All children are perfectly confident. The problems they have are caused by us, the adults, because we tell them they have to shut up, be quiet, sit down, and listen. All of that really confuses the child and snaps them out of confidence.
The Education System
In school they get told what to do: children get all together, sit down, be quiet. And you’re like, “No. I want to run. I wannt to play. I want to draw right now.” And society is telling you to sit down, regulate, be quiet. As a child you’re not a regulating machine – you’re an energy release machine. You’re a child. That’s the moment where you start losing confidence.
Science knows this, which is why we have school systems like Montessori or Reggio Emilia. These create a stimulating environment for the child with minimal structure. They mix children of different ages so there isn’t a hierarchy: “Oh no, you’re a second grader. You cannot talk to the third grader.”
But as soon as we go beyond elementary school, we forget about that. We just want you to know what’s on the test. “Would you please study what’s on the test? Thank you. Don’t bother us with why.”
Society and Role Models
Society is also to blame. When I grew up, I wasn’t exposed to almost any role models that would confirm what I wanted to do. Nerds were totally uncool, and I was a total nerd – into computers, coding, and stuff with buttons.
I was also gay. And being gay meant you should be flamboyant and have a drag show. But I didn’t want that. I was a quiet kid, while the “successful kids” were the center of the party.
Society didn’t give me a path: “Oh, the path of success if you’re a gay nerd is this.” It was very much “find your own way.”
Growing up, there was a man reading the news, a man narrating documentaries, men running countries, and men running the top companies. Maybe now there’s a woman reading the news, but we’re still in the exception phase.
For women, this lack of representation is even more significant. Maybe you had some role models in the empathy and emotional realm – caring, loving mothers. And how about women role models who ran businesses?
This crushes males too. They’re told: “The guy reading the news is a guy, running the country is a guy, in charge of the top companies is a guy. Are you gonna be that guy or are you gonna be a wimp?” And guys think, “Oh shit, I need to man up in something.” This is crushing for a lot of guys.
Expert Blindness
We don’t feel confidence about the things we do everyday because we become blind to what we contribute. The expert doesn’t realize when they’re “experting” because for them it’s as natural as breathing. When you’re summarizing, making something concise, relatable, digestible, understandable – you’re just being yourself. So you’ll always say, “Well, what’s the value of that?”
Take my friend Jen, for instance. She has this incredible ability to take complex ideas and make them accessible, to synthesize information and find the essential parts. But because this comes so naturally to her, she doesn’t see it as a special talent. She’ll downplay it: “Oh, I’m just organizing information, anyone could do that.” But not everyone can do it with her clarity and insight.
Unless you have the whole world queuing at the Wisdom Palace waiting to meet you, you’ll always stop yourself: “That comes easy to me. I don’t believe that’s a big thing.” It’s like the fish in water – you never see what you’re immersed in.
Decisions, Not Confidence
Looking back at my whole story, the thing that made me wasn’t confidence. My life wasn’t built on confidence – my life was built on decisions. And looking at my decisions, I realized that I was confident.
When I left home at 19, that was bold. None of my peers were doing anything like that. But for me it wasn’t courageous – it was the only thing I could do. It was just one tunnel, one direction.
The same with moving to the countryside. It wasn’t confidence – it was a decision. The first morning after I moved in, I went into the garden and had an incredible experience. All my worries and anxieties about the property just lifted from me. I remember the physical sensation of a weight on my shoulders being lifted. I had this illumination: this was the right choice all along.
Gut Feeling
What made this place special? It wasn’t the best investment or location. It wasn’t rationally the right decision. But when I saw it, I said, “Fuck, I want this. I don’t want any of the other things I saw.”
So we’re going full circle: What is confidence? Confidence is being able to make decisions based on your gut feeling.
When people ask me, “Why did you move to Berlin?” I stare at them and say, “There’s two possibilities. I tell you I don’t know why I moved to Berlin, which is the truth, or if you want, I’ve conjured up a very rational little story about why Berlin was the best choice. But just to be honest, I have no fucking clue.”
And they smile because it’s like, “Oh, finally.” I think it’s like that for all of us. The truthful answer of why I’m in Berlin is I have no fucking clue. I just ended up here. It was a decision.
Bringing It All Together
So what does all this tell us about confidence? We start with it fully intact as children, then society, education, and lack of representation chip away at it. We struggle to recognize our own expertise because it’s like the air we breathe – invisible to us.
But here’s the truth I’ve discovered: confidence isn’t something we need before making decisions; it’s what emerges from making decisions that align with our gut feeling. All those moments when I trusted my instincts – leaving home, moving to Berlin, buying my countryside house – weren’t acts of confidence but of authenticity. And that authenticity eventually revealed itself as confidence.
Maybe what we call “lack of confidence” is actually just disconnection from our authentic selves. And maybe those who appear overconfident are just performing certainty while being equally disconnected.
Real confidence isn’t swagger or certainty about the future – it’s the quiet knowledge that comes from listening to yourself and making decisions that honor your truth, even when you can’t rationally explain why. It’s not about having all the answers; it’s about trusting that you’ll find your way, one authentic decision at a time.